Jealousy is a natural human emotion that everyone has experienced, whether they want to admit it or not. It is not a feeling anyone wants to show, yet it is expressed by actions. Jealousy is being unhappy due to your partner’s behavior of desiring someone else. Enviousness stems from fear of rejection. The ultimate anxiety is when a person believes their partner will leave them for a new person. Their worry activates a domino effect of assumptions. If they break up, they will experience heartache. After that pain, enters anger. Regret arrives before loneliness, and so on. Add in the poly factor, and it becomes twofold. Being in a poly relationship has its ups and downs, like any relationship. The people involved have to be on the same page from the jump. Just like anything else in life, the more people you add to the mix, the higher the risk of more complications.
Let’s dissect jealousy even further. The real reason jealousy exists is your insecurity and lack of trust. When your partner is not around, you find yourself wondering what they are doing and who they are entertaining. You think they’re too weak to fend out temptation and are afraid they will take any bait. Next thing you know, you’re stalking their social media page. Endless scrolling through pictures, zooming in to view the background for clues and noticing their location drives you crazy. When you’re speaking to your partner, the mention of certain names triggers your jealousy. It could an ex or someone they work with. Either way, you don’t like to hear them talk about them as you sense they might have a crush on them or want to rekindle the flame. Your envy of them grows with every word. You compare your looks and personality to them. You tear yourself down to build them up. Your self-esteem takes a dive in a pool of resentment. In a poly relationship, you know that new people will eventually enter the picture. Everyone doesn’t do well with change, yet you should anticipate it. It’s what comes with the lifestyle.
You’ve convinced yourself that they are doing something inappropriate. Now you’re attempting to control them to cease the alleged infidelity. You basically beg them to spend as much time with you as possible. You might try to convince them to cancel any plans without you. Maybe you makeover your look to reignite their attraction. Being extra romantic and going above and beyond to make them feel special is your new job. You’re in a competition with yourself, not the other person. That person may not even exist. The way jealousy works is it forces you to believe the worst and react on those thoughts.
It’s time to take a look in the mirror. Be honest and see how many traits you check below. Here are a few signs that you might be a jealous goddess.
1. You get angry when they do activities without you and question every detail.
2. You’re suspicious of their friendships.
3. You get defensive when they mention other people.
4. You snoop in their phone, computer and tablet.
5. You’ve accused them of cheating or going against the set rules of your relationship.
6. You don’t trust your partner when you’re not around.
7. You try to control their behavior.
8. You’re always checking in with them when you’re apart.
9. You’re possessive and want them all to yourself.
10. You investigate their social media posts, who likes them, and who they follow.
How many of those match your insecurities? Let’s discover how to overcome jealousy.
1. Admit this emotion. Acknowledging your jealousy encourages self-awareness.
2. Discover your triggers. They could be exes, new people, or their “guilty” behavior.
3. Understand the root. Why do you feel this way? Is it from past trauma?
4. Explain to your partner how you feel using examples. Be specific and calm.
5. Forgive yourself. Jealousy is normal. Don’t be so hard on yourself for being human.
6. Rewrite the negative narratives. Clarify what is true or assumptions with them.
7. Reset boundaries. Respect their preferences or dislikes.
8. Communicate. Muster the courage to be transparent on a consistent basis.
9. Give yourself time. Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient.
10. Re-evaluate relationship. Review the progress and make adjustments as needed.
11. Know when to leave. If your mental health gets overwhelmed or violence occurs.
Jealousy is common, but you don’t have to let it ruin your relationship. Being aware of your insecurity and sharing how you feel with your partner is key. It is always ideal to express your raw emotions to ensure your partner understands where you are coming from. It’s amazing to be seen and heard. When you allow jealousy to rear its ugly head in your poly partnership, you’re bound to end up in a mess. Talk with your partner along the way as your relationship changes and as new people enter your love life. It’s great to speak with your partner when you are ready to bring in a new person before you seal the deal. Let them know why you believe they would be a nice addition after you reinforce your love for them. Reassure them they are not a replacement and offer reasons for your choice. Reveal the benefits and go at a pace that is comfortable for your partner to promote a seamless transition. Love who you want to love, but indulge in self-love first. Don’t compromise your happiness for anyone. What’s best is what feels right. Listen to your gut and your heart. Do you!