Breaking up is hard to do. As you get older, it should become easier. In a way, that might
be true. When you’ve had relationships end over the years, you’re able to bounce back
quicker. But that’s not always the case. It depends on the reason for the breakup, how
long you were together, and if it ended on good terms. There’s an array of factors that
may determine your healing process. It seems when the relationship is over for
“positive” reasons (i.e. to better themselves and work on their mental health) it’s easier
to accept. But that doesn’t mean it’s easier to get over them. The pain is still there. The
feelings are still real. The wounds are still open. A breakup is still a heartbreak. No
matter how many times you’ve experienced them, it stings a little.
There’s phases that we go through to get over them. At first, you might be shocked that
your relationship expired. Many questions swirl through your mind as you try to pin the
blame on someone. Over-analyzing met with frustration enters the room. Being upset
with yourself for giving someone a chance when you wrote off relationships is normal.
Your anger for letting your guard down to be completely vulnerable after being numb for
so long is valid. Beating yourself up and questioning your intentions is fine. Thinking
about the good times and building a future that’s no longer there activates sadness.
Part of you is happy that they’re putting their mental health and self-care first. It’s very
courageous and actually a selfless act to avoid sabotaging your relationship had they
stayed. The other side of you wishes they worked on themselves before entering a
partnership with you and sacrificing your heart. They wasted your time. It’s not possible
for them to do the hard work while in a relationship with you as they lose focus on what
they need to do to become a better person. So you concentrate on working out and your
career to keep your mind busy. This is also a coping mechanism to facing the funk. And
that’s okay for now. Eventually, it’s crucial to unpack those feelings before healing
begins. Your priorities are now written in Sharpie and your determination is through
the roof. You’re inspired to get extra fit and fine while you pamper your pain in silence.
You don’t want your friends and family all in your business, knowing that your forever
person you just introduced them to has a title change to “The Ex”. Wishing you kept
your boo private transforms into regrets that you swear to never do again…for the
fifteenth time. But the next time is for real, for real. That way no matter what happens,
you save face. It’s okay to want to share your love with the world, but sometimes it’s best
to keep that to yourself. It’s hard to fight the urge to reveal your personal life to people
after yet another breakup. You may feel like you look like a fool always falling in lust
with everyone you meet. If that sounds like you, think about pumping the breaks the
Before you put yourself out there again, make sure you’re healed. Once the shock, anger,
and grief subsides, you may have a sense of embarrassment and betrayal. The fear of
getting your heart broken floats to the surface. Replacing that anxiety with hope to find
love again is a sign that you’re ready to start over. This means you’ve accepted the reality
and no longer feel rejected. The relief of acknowledging your strength to recover to
recognize the goddess you are motivates you to try again. Your confidence comforts you
and gently nudges you to review the lessons learned from your last situation.
Now that you’re prepared to get your feet wet, your energy changes. You’ll attract
someone on the same wavelength. A person ready to understand your love language and
match your passion. Before you go any further, ask if you’ve rediscovered the new you.
Have you spent time alone reevaluating what you want and don’t like? Have you
redefined your boundaries? Have you clarified your deal breakers? Try new activities
and enjoy getting to know yourself. Invest in self-care regularly. Take enough time to
ensure you’re truly healed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
How will you trust again, especially if your last partner cheated? How will you break
down the barriers to let someone in again? Check out ways to overcome trust issues in a
1. Forgive yourself for taking a chance on love and forgive them for hurting you. It’s
okay that it didn't work out the way you wanted. At least you’re not bitter and still
believe in love.
2. Everything happens for a reason. It’s possible that they were not beneficial to
your health. Maybe your relationship was toxic or abusive. It needed to end.
Sometimes things fall apart so new things can come together. Everyone is not
meant to last a lifetime. They may only be a season just to teach you a lesson.
3. It’s not you, it’s them. Sometimes people haven’t processed their past trauma and
you met them at a bad time. They weren’t able to be their best self if they hadn't
faced the skeletons in their closet. If they cheated on you, it’s not your fault. You
can do any and everything in the world to try to stop infidelity, but a person who
wants to be unfaithful will find a way.
4. Start with a clean slate. Don’t charge your new partner with the mistakes from
the last one. It’s not fair to them or you. They’re not guilty until proven innocent.
You’ll damage your relationship before it has a chance to be successful. Cheer
yourself on to remove your insecurities. You’re amazing and a wonderful catch.
You’re the prize and anyone is lucky to have you.
5. Communicate your needs. Explain to your partner that it is ideal for you both to
be transparent automatically. This helps you build trust and silence your negative
thoughts. Share your desires and the kind of relationship you want. Compromise
on details to set a standard.
6. Talk it out. Visit a therapist to discuss what happened and how you feel. Realize
the reasons and recognize the actions you attach to them. Become self-aware of
what you need to work on and your triggers. Write them down and ways to defeat
You can and will conquer your struggles with trust. Reflect and allow yourself time to
heal. Take at least 6 months off from dating before entering a new relationship. Accept
the breakup. Cut off any access to them (i.e. social media, email, phone) to honestly
move on. You need to get them out of your system and create a new routine. Forget
about the good morning texts and date nights. Give your closure without seeking it from
them. When you’re ready, give your partner a fair chance. If their words align with their
actions, you’re good to go. Don’t overthink it. Be kind to yourself and continue self-care.
Say hello to the new you. It’s nice to meet you!